The Austin Project: Misericordia Comes To Capitol Hill

Professor Allan Austin has announced his campaign for a seat in the United States Senate and will appear on the Pennsylvania primary ballot in May.

A history professor at Misericordia, Austin has long prided himself in politics and is taking that knowledge to the center stage of the nation. His name will appear on the ballot next to those of Carla Sands, John Fetterman and the infamous Dr. Mehmet Oz.

Along with revealing his campaign, Austin has also revealed his primary objectives as a U.S senator. Such objectives include a national book club, vegan weekends, and a national holiday honoring the main protagonist of America’s second-longest running cartoon, who has touched children’s hearts and adults alike: Arthur the Aardvark.

If Austin successfully procures the Senate seat, his main priority will be to assert a national book club, in which the first book to be read by all Americans would be “All New, All Different: A History of Race and the American Superhero,” along with other “woke” classics.

This will be a direct response to recent events that have unfolded in Tennessee, in which parishioners and pastors surrendered copies of “Twilight” and ”Harry Potter,” along with items considered to be associated with witchcraft or other-worldly influence, such as rose quartz pendants and horoscope readings.

“How can we call ourselves a free country if we can’t even read what we want?” Austin asked a crowd in Philadelphia on Saturday.

Austin’s second priority would be “Vegan Weekends” in which a prohibition of all dairy and meat products would take place every Friday through Sunday. Anyone caught smuggling meat during that time would risk punishment up to a misdemeanor level in federal prison.

“It is a well-known fact that over-consumption of meat leads to increased CO2 emissions, which are thought to cause global warming,” Austin said. “So, if we play by Big Pharma’s rules and we cut meat out entirely on weekends, we can expose what’s really behind the phenomenon: chemtrails.”

Professor Austin is a full-time vegan and firmly believes if everyone gets behind the movement, a butterfly effect will take place in America and things will start to change.

Perhaps his most notable promise to the American people is that of “Arthur the Aardvark.”

“When Arthur aired, he quickly became a moral model for children across America,” Austin said. “It is through Marc Brown, the author of the books and Jason Winer, the ultimate director of the TV series, that the character of our kids was shaped everywhere.

“Such character was evident in my 8 a.m. class of United States History Since 1965, as one student pointed out the yellow sweater I happened to wear on that fateful Friday morning,” he added. “Once the class really began getting into the discussion, however, I couldn’t help but keep the character in my mind, and thus I saw his influence on the kids that grew up on educational cartoons such as this.”

The aardvark is a national symbol for children in America as well as across the globe and a sensational meme for those who have outgrown him. Austin, however, dissents that someone could get too old for Arthur.

“He’s an icon; he’s a legend,” Austin said. “He is the moment for kids across the nation. Therefore, I think we should honor such a character of characters and there’s no better way to do that than award him his own national holiday.”

The total number of viewers at Austin’s rally in Philadelphia topped just over a million and it seems his senate campaign is beginning to catch wind.