Bloomberg Named University President


Bloomberg gives a speech outside the arch after the news of him taking over as Misericordia University’s president was released to the public. Photos from Google Images

Walker Boots, Refuses to Wear Sneakers

Prior to Thomas Botzman stepping down as president of Misericordia University, he announced at a press conference this week that former Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg will take over that position.

Bloomberg was joined by his wife Kelly and his two sons in a tour of the campus conducted by Botzman before the conference.

“I really wanted Mike and his wife to get the full Cougar experience that this amazing school has to offer,” Botzman said.

Bloomberg said he thoroughly enjoyed seeing the campus in a more personal sense.

“I love the genuine feel of the school and every student who I said hello to and whose hand I shook as we walked,” he said.

Students have mixed feelings about Bloomberg being the new president.

Michael McWhatis, a writing major and school treasurer, had some positive things to say when introduced to Bloomberg during the campus tour.

“He is a smart man who I think will do an amazing job as Misericordia’s president,” he said.

Kelly Reeghan, a nursing major, isn’t too fond of the idea.

“I just don’t think a politician is the best way to go, especially one who ran to become president of the United States,” she  said.

Bloomberg said his first change will be to do away with the president’s office.

“I don’t want an office because I took this job for the students, so you can turn this room into something for them like a tutoring room or something like that,” he said. “I want to be walking around so the students can stop me if they need or they can call my number which will be available for all the students because, if there is even one student in need, then I’ll be there.”

Bloomberg said he will use his own money to construct the tutoring room.

“I won’t have the school paying for anything relating to this new tutoring room, either,” he said. “I’ll be donating $150,000 of my own money to pay for the items the room needs, including the newest Mac Books we can get because these students deserve the best we can give.”

3-D Floor plans for new tutoring room provided by Bloomburg, featuring head tutor Dwight Schrute. Photo by: Google Images

McKenzie Williams, an occupational therapy major and a tutor, is ecstatic about the school’s new tutoring room.

“I’m so happy we’re getting the new tutoring room and all the new supplies we’ll be getting. I can’t believe President Bloomberg is paying for it on top of it all,” she said.

Bloomberg’s future construction plans include a helicopter and a helipad for student transportation.

“I want to help the students get here for their education, so I have decided the school’s next major project when the science building is done is to build a helipad for the school’s new helicopter that can help transfer students from a pick up zone to the school,” he said.

Bloomberg announced the helipad would also be paid for with his money and explained the helipad would be built in place of the Mercy building.

“Although the school is losing the Mercy building, the new helicopter will help to transport students and also leave more room for students who drive to park their cars,” Bloomberg said.

He also made the announcement at the press conference that he will put aside $15 million for each of the school’s sports teams to spend on anything they see fit or may need. Basketball coach Jonah Carter was shocked by the announcement.

“The students are going to be thrilled and this will go a long way in getting future equipment for the players,” he said.

Bloomberg had one final thing to say to the already shocked faculty and staff, something no one saw coming.

“I have decided that each faculty member working on and off campus will receive a $10,000 bonus in their pay that I hope will help them with whatever it can,” he said.

Bloomberg ended the conference by saying, “Good luck to all the students currently enrolled and those possibly thinking about enrolling, Maybe we’ll see you in the near future.”