Professor of English Patrick Hamilton is the inspiration behind The Hamiltonian, so much so that this newspaper is named after him. However, my Faculty Advisor and Executive Editor Melissa Sgroi has asked me to write this letter as a warning to Hamilton. After the controversial Oxford comma article from last year’s Hamiltonian, Hamilton has gone on an Oxford comma binge, according to Sgroi. His overuse of the comma has prompted Sgroi to threaten to remove his name from the newspaper banner.

The Oxford comma is grammatically correct, but it is also forbidden in the Associated Press Style Guide, which is used by most media publications, including this one. During a sit down interview last year for the oxford Comma article, Sgroi, Hamilton and Professor of History Allan Austin got into a heated debate about the widely disputed punctuation mark. Austin and Hamilton passionately argued that the Oxford comma delivers clarity to otherwise confusing sentences, while Sgroi clapped back with the media centric logic that the Oxford comma in a list of three items is a waste of space.

According to Sgroi, Hamilton has been trolling her since the publication of the article by purposefully sending her messages that incorporate sentences that include the Oxford comma. Sgroi said at first she thought the barrage of excessive punctuation was just mildly annoying, but after Hamilton ramped up his trolling, she started to consider taking more drastic actions in response.

“I started to realize this guy is the namesake of this newspaper. How can I sit here and allow this newspaper to use his name when his disrespect and disregard for standard media practices borders on obsession? This is his last chance to correct his behavior or else I will be forced to use another name,” Sgroi said.

In a stunning change of events, Austin has made it known to Sgroi that he would agree to reduce his use of the Oxford comma if the staff agreed to name the newspaper The Austonian. 

“I would certainly be open to more discussion with Austin, particularly if Hamilton doesn’t change his tune. However, Austin is also a serial Oxford comma offender, so he would have to do a complete 180,” Sgroi said.

What the newspaper will be named next year remains to be seen. Neither Austin nor Hamilton made themselves available for comment.