A long time ago, Misericordia University held zoo animals over night because they had no place to go. The students helped watch the animals until they could be placed in a home.

It was a great bonding experience for the community, and the campus was always willing to help. The campus is still willing to help, and the time has come for zoo animals to return to Misericordia.

Animals have recently been dropped off on campus in their cages, and they are stored outside near the football field next to the woods. Animals such as lions, monkeys, elephants and many others can be seen on campus. Several students have gone to see the animals, but, for some reason, the news has not spread to the entire student body yet – until recently due to some interesting events that have taken place. However, students should feel free to go see the animals because they will, hopefully, be on campus for just one a week.

Students may also feel free to sign up for feeding times for the animals, something that can be included on resumes for future jobs. The animals are also being looked after by the Health and Science professors to ensure proper care. Since he will teach a class on animal behavior in the fall, Dr. Wosik is the main professor in charge of the animals.

The campus has been welcoming of the animals; however, some students have been too welcoming. Campus security recently found students trying to put saddles on the elephants and dog costumes on the monkeys. Campus security asks students to reframe from these activities since the animals are wild and dangerous.

Other more alarming problems have occurred, but President Myers does not want anyone to worry. A group of students have found a way to unlock several cages of some very dangerous animals. A male lion has been spotted walking around campus at night but has only been seen once during the day.

A hippo has been seen in the pool on campus and monkeys have been swinging in the trees and on the buildings. Even an elephant has been let loose and authorities are still looking for it. If students see these animals, they should contact campus security immediately. For now, students should enjoy the animals in the cages and not the ones entering the classrooms.

Students should stay calm at all times because the animals can sense fear. They should not be worried when snakes come out of the toilets nor should they be worried when prairie dogs make holes in the grass and pop out randomly.

They should not be worried about a zebra drinking from the little pond area on campus. They especially should not be worried when a hyena laughs in the library. 

Overall, everyone should not be worried because everything is under control. Really, everything is fine. There is absolutely no way the stampede scene from the movie “Jumanji” is going to happen on campus. There is also no way animals are going to run over students like Mufasa in “The Lion King.”

Campus will definitely not look like the herd of animals in the battle scene in the live action “Tarzan,” either. It might, however, look like the movie, “We Bought a Zoo.”

Really, this has been a great experience for the community just like it was many years ago. Because there have been no human casualties yet, Misericordia has decided to keep the offer open for the animals to return any time. Misericordia is all about service and hospitality, so zoo animals will be welcome on campus after this current visit since the students enjoy their time in utter chaos with the animals.

The staff thinks the campus is safe a quarter of the time, so parents are keeping students on campus because the real world is a zoo, too. As always, Roll Cougs! 

Actually, this time it should be “Roar Cougs” because the cougar was let loose this morning and its name is not Archie…