Professor Makes A Big Move To Sesame Street

Misericordia Professor Patrick Hamilton shocked the campus recently when he announced he would take a leave of absence from teaching to join the cast of “Sesame Street,” assuming the role of Bert, best known, of course, for his work as Ernie’s sidekick.

Despite the pleas of a few students and sundry faculty colleagues to remain at MU next fall, Hamilton described an offer he could not refuse.

“As it turns out,” he told this reporter, “Bert and the producers of Sesame Street have had a falling out over contract terms and the well-regarded children’s show needed a replacement.”

Seeing the audition call, Hamilton packed his car and headed to New York City. The audition was rough at first, as the producers did not care for Hamilton’s acting choices.

“They kept telling me to just be myself, to not over-complicate things,” he said.

The advice paid off.

“I was resistant at first,” Hamilton remembers. “But the more I worked with them, the more I realized all I really had to do was let my inner Bert out. Well, he’s out, and he’s never going away. I am Bert, in body and soul. God, that feels good to say!”

Responses to the new Bert have been, unfortunately, uniformly negative. Fans of the show have started a letter-writing campaign called “Bring Bert Back!” to restore the original star. They have compared Hamilton to Coy Duke, the sad, uncharismatic, and short-lived replacement for Bo Duke on the 1970s TV series “The Dukes of Hazzard.”

Hamilton’s co-stars have been even less flattering.

“If I have to hear one more story from that man about his dog,” Big Bird declares, “I am going to punch him in the neck.”

Elmo adds, “He takes up all the dressing room space to iron his jeans. Iron his jeans! Now, I’ll admit that ironing jeans is a very Bert kind of thing to do, but he’s taking this character acting thing way too far.”

Ernie, naturally, is despondent.

“This can only end in disaster,” he warns.

Hamilton remains undaunted.

“I know that I am a darn good Bert, the best Bert,” he asserts. “In fact, I am the Bert-iest Bert that ever was a Bert. The doubters will never remove me from this role. I am here to stay.”